By Jeff Haden, BNET
I’m eating dinner with two old friends. One says, “I hate being fat. I’ve tried everything but can’t lose weight. What do you think?”
I’m eating dinner with two old friends. One says, “I hate being fat. I’ve tried everything but can’t lose weight. What do you think?”
“I don’t think you want to lose weight,” I said. (I know, kind of blunt.
Normally I would deflect and evade, but I know he wants to hear what I really
think.)
He raises an eyebrow. “Really.”
“Really,” I say. “If you wanted to lose weight you would. But you’ve
chosen not to, and that’s okay. The only problem is you’re beating yourself up
for something you choose not to do.”
Why do I think that way? We all know how to lose weight: Eat less
calories than you burn and voila! You lose weight. Sure, genetics and metabolism
and glandular disorders can make losing weight harder, but the fact remains
that everyone who eats fewer calories than they burn loses weight. Losing
weight has nothing to do with a breakthrough diet or an innovative workout
regimen or somehow flipping a magic fat-burning switch… and everything to do
with deciding to eat less calories than you burn.
Losing weight is a choice. So being overweight is a choice too.
Unfortunately other things happen by choice.
“Makes sense,” my other friend says. Then he looks at me. “But if it’s
that simple, why aren’t you more successful than you are?”
I winced because I knew where he was going… and because I knew he was
right.
“Yeah,” my overweight friend says, eagerly jumping in since the very
best table is a table turned. “You’ve chosen not to do better. I’ve heard you
speak; you could land bigger gigs. You’ve ghostwritten a bunch of books; you
could do more work for high-profile clients. You’ve photographed celebrity
weddings; you could do more of those. Don’t tell me you can’t. Clearly, you’ve
chosen not to.”
I knew he was right. Not because I’m incredibly talented (far from it)
but because success, for any of us, in almost any field, is a decision. I could
do bigger speaking events, but my actions show I’ve chosen not to. I easily
could land more celebrity weddings if I chased them harder, but I haven’t.
We—definitely me included—often like to think that upbringing or
education or circumstances or lack of connections or unlucky breaks hold us
back. Thinking that way, if nothing else, feels better because we can shift the
blame elsewhere.
But the blame lies squarely within us: The only things truly holding us
back are the decisions we make.
If you want to get promoted but haven’t, it’s almost never because your
boss is unfair. Instead you decided not to work harder or take more initiative
or take on more responsibility… or just play the corporate game the way it has
to be played in your organization in order for you to “win.” (You know the
“rules,” you’ve just decided not to follow them. Don’t feel bad; I was the same
way.) If you want your business to grow but it hasn’t, economic factors are
certainly at play but you’ve also probably decided not to change your sales
strategy or streamline your operations or just try new things in response to
new market conditions. You can see what makes other companies successful but
you’ve chosen not to follow their example.
Fortunately, while the blame may lie squarely within us the power lies
within us as well. Success is all about decisions—our decisions. Including
deciding what to let go.
Think about your goals. Like most people, yours likely run the gamut:
You want to create wonderful relationships, build a family, enjoy professional
success, achieve something personal… you have lots of things you want to
accomplish.
Great—but there’s a problem. You can’t have it all. And if you choose to
try to have it all you will always be, to some degree, unfulfilled.
Say you want to raise a happy family. You can; it just takes effort and
attention. Say you want to start a business. You can; you just have to work
really hard. Say you want to write a book. You can; you just have to write,
hour after hour and day after day, for however long it takes. Say you want to
run a marathon. You can, as long as you do the training necessary.
But say you want to do all of the above—and all at the same time.
Realistically that doesn’t work. Something will give. Your family needs you
more than your running shoes, so training for a marathon will quickly hit the
back burner. Your business needs you more than the publishing world, so after
six months your book will look more like a pamphlet.
And that’s okay. We can’t do everything, but we can all do a few things
really well. Decide what is most important to you, decide to focus on those
things… and decide to let go of the things you may want to do but realistically
cannot, at least for now.
Me? I can’t be an acclaimed speaker and ghostwrite Obama’s memoirs and
photograph the next wedding that hits the cover of Us Weekly. The fields are
too disparate and the effort and networking and positioning required to reach
and stay at the top in each field are too high. But I feel confident I could
consistently achieve one of those goals—if I decided to.
And so can you, in whatever field or pursuit you choose, because your
decisions can either make success impossible… or inevitable.
The cool thing is, you get to decide which.
